I LOVE “THE Golden Girls.”
There. I said it. I love those ladies from Miami, especially Sophia. At heart, I’m no twentysomething–I’m a wisecracking old Sicilian lady. On weeknights, when I should be out dancing, I find myself glued to the TV for that crucial hour between 11 p.m. and midnight, when Lifetime follows up its 6 and 6:30 p.m. shows with two more back-to-back reruns.
This is not a show that’s supposed to appeal to my age group and certainly not to the sushi-eating, city-living, DKNY-wearing segment of it. But each week, 1.8 million different viewers watch at least one broadcast in the late-night time slot, and 17 percent of us belong to the coveted 18-34 demographic. That’s more than 300,000 people and growing. We aren’t all women (I know because my boyfriend watches with me), and we aren’t all lonely and lacking in social life (ditto). But like “Star Wars” geeks, many of us can quote the show from memory, and at least one friend of mine has been known to sing the theme song at karaoke bars.
Why would “The Golden Girls” appeal to twentysomethings? The easy answer is that it’s classic four-woman repartee, a la “Sex and the City.” I’m certainly not the first to point out that HBO’s fabulous foursome are simply the Golden Girls once removed. Samantha is Blanche, Charlotte is Rose, Miranda is Dorothy and Carrie is Sophia–the witty, wise one who gets all the good lines and holds the other three together despite her exasperating behavior. Moreover, the glamour and bed-hopping on “Sex” aren’t really what makes the show a hit. What matters is the interplay between the four archetypes and their attitudes toward each other, which can be summed up neatly in those six sweet words from the theme song of “The Golden Girls”–everybody now–“Thank You for Being a Friend.”
But I think there’s even more than creepy similarities to “Sex and the City” behind my demographic’s affection for “The Golden Girls.” While Carrie and company often leave viewers melancholy and in need of Rocky Road, especially in the last couple of seasons, the Girls themselves are the heaping scoop of ice cream. They’re comfort-TV supreme. The “Sex” girls’ problems are almost never solved, but the “Girls” girls’ issues are wrapped up at the end of every episode in gloriously unrealistic ways. When Carrie is dateless, the episode ends with the camera lingering on her bony frame as she smokes a cigarette and stares wistfully out the window. When Sophia is dateless–on Valentine’s Day, no less!–she is rescued by Julio Iglesias, whom she met at the senior center earlier in the week. It’s “Sex” on several doses of Prozac, and to hell with realism. It’s wonderful.
If “The Golden Girls” had half the verite of “Sex and the City,” Rose would fall prey to telemarketing scheme after telemarketing scheme, Blanche would be too distracted by hot flashes to pursue men, Sophia would be back in the Shady Pines nursing home and Dorothy would be wracked by guilt because of it. But as it is, the most serious issues “Girls” tackles are slight senility, age discrimination and the loss of Rose’s beloved teddy bear. And unlike HBO’s ladies who brunch, the Girls never get any older. They also don’t get Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s or any more ornery. (Sophia has a “disorder” that makes her blurt out those sharp retorts, but I’ll bet money that the diagnosis is just an excuse used in polite company.)
That, I think, is the real reason the Girls are a hit with the 18-34s. Sure, we want a degree of truthfulness in a show about characters our own age. But in a show about our grandparents (and, in some cases, our parents)? Nah. Those of us lucky enough to still have grandparents are now watching them hit the difficult years, the ones they may spend hopped up on uninsured prescription-drug cocktails (no cosmos here) or tottering down the stairs of empty houses that are too big for them. As we lose them, the Girls step in as an instant, changeless substitute–our pals and our confidantes. Sure, they’re trite. But they’re immortal.
So hey, Lifetime: let’s keep them that way. Let’s see more reruns. And Buena Vista Productions, let’s get a “Golden Girls” DVD box set in the works (there’s actually a petition to do this at: www.petitiononline.com/golden/petition.html). How about hourlong reunion like the recent “Cosby Show” special? Or the piece de resistance, a prequel starring Heather Graham as young Rose? At the very least, Lifetime, can’t you buy out the people who own the GoldenGirls.com domain name? Right now it’s a “mature women” porn site. I’m pretty sure even wanton Blanche wouldn’t approve. And, hey, I’ll admit it: I would know.
